How do you say I’m sorry?
How do you say it when you just said the ultimate wrong thing, and you knew it, but you were just “expressing your feelings.”
How do you say that it has just dawned on you that you were so wrong, and that he was so right, and that if you had only said I’m sorry instead of those monstrous words, maybe everything would be okay right now.
How do you say that you were stupid and reckless and emotional and overreactive and if only he would forgive you, forgive you, forget everything and pretend it never happened…if only…
If only you could find some magic DELETE button hidden somewhere in the universe, and you could make it all go away, and he would never have read it, and you would never have said it.
How do you say it when you can imagine his face when he read it, but you couldn’t see it, and that was where you failed, and maybe you’ve lost some part of him that will never be yours again.
And the ring on your finger tells you that you have not lost him, that you can fix it, that he will forgive you, but you don’t know if you can believe it, because you feel the pain somewhere between your ribs and your lungs–you feel his pain–and you start to think maybe forever doesn’t really mean forever. Maybe you are too cruel to deserve it.
You think of how you said I don’t want you to feel terrible, but you knew he would. And you have this tiny hard spot of fear in your chest that shoots the chill down your spine, fear that maybe you really did want him to feel terrible.
How do you say I’m sorry using just those tiny, stupid words. How do you say it when it sounds so fake and so distant and so unreal. How do you know he will believe you?
He won’t. You know he won’t believe you.
Maybe if you could stop your own tears with I’m sorry, maybe if you could see his face, maybe if you could curl up in his arms and pretend it never happened, maybe then you could say it.
Maybe if you could tell him these emotions and tears without words at all, maybe then you could say it.
Maybe if you could tell him all this, all these stupid words you have written, maybe then he would understand that I’m sorry.